


Words left unsaid

by LittleFireFly00



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caring Sam, Depressed Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucination Castiel, Love Confessions, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Sad Dean, Sad Sam, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, Worried Sam, angst angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 16:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11717889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleFireFly00/pseuds/LittleFireFly00
Summary: His brother’s comfort was good, but it was not enough. Nothing was enough to heal his shattered world. Everything around the two brothers seemed to disappear into a never-ending darkness, something Dean couldn’t crawl out of. He was trapped in his body, trying desperately to bring light into the darkness with his version of the truth and tell himself that everything is okay, but the light seemed to disappear in an instance, and Dean felt hopeless all over again. There was no escape.~~~Dean tries to deal with the events of 12x23 and starts hallucinating Cas, but it goes poorly and Sam is the only one who can help him now.





	Words left unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> I was in an angsty mood, again. I don't know if this one is better or worse than the last suicidal fic I wrote. I'm so- so so so sorry. I need to stop this. Oh well.  
> I hope y'all enjoy the angst :)

* * *

 

 

He just wanted to be close to him. He wanted to hold him, he wanted to let his fingers run over the silk, dusty trench coat and he wanted to look into his ever so blue and confused looking eyes, he wanted to rest his forehead against his, just like in those God Damn silly romantic movies, he wanted Cas to tilt his head to the side and narrow is eyes down at Dean when he says something that didn’t make any sense and _realise_ that the angel in front of him is alive and breathing but the truth is: he is not. And Dean still kept staring at the faintly blurred figure, standing at the other side of the library table, ever so calmly with his blue eyes wandering around the room, and Dean sat on the chair.. didn’t even try to move a single muscle. He was not real, and Dean knew it. He knew it deep within his heart, but he didn’t admit it to himself. Something in his brain blocked all the recent facts, the facts that the man he once loved, died right in front of his eyes and _never got to tell him how much he loved that guy._ He ignored those facts, Along with other little facts and accepted the lie he kept telling himself, it’s the real truth: that Castiel is alive and healthy. That nothing bad happened. That everything is good.

But the hunter couldn’t ignore the feeling of isolation, every time when he glanced at the hopeless figure, labelled as “Cas”. He couldn’t ignore the pain in his heart, he couldn’t ignore the feeling of being squeezed between the four library walls that were sliding closer to him by the heartbeat. He couldn’t breathe. The image of Cas began to smile. Dean gritted his teeth, leaned forward and smashed his fists against his shut eyes, trying to ignore the sad imitation of Cas when his heart began to ache.

‘Go away..’ the hunter then whispered silently, but he didn’t want to mean it. _Don’t go,_ was what he actually meant and he knew how messed up the situation was, _but he still didn’t want to believe_. And he didn’t want the picture of Cas to go away. _He was not ready for the actual truth_. But the realisation of his death kept poking Dean’s brain with a stick and the actual truth was _right there_. And just like that, Dean kept on with living in his truth. There he sat, in a dark, burning room, with flames dancing around them, reaching for Dean and smirking at the hunter’s pain and sadness. And the depressing imitation of Castiel standing in front of him, looking down almost _disappointingly_ at Dean, who was letting himself get tortured by his own imagination from the darkest corner of his mind. He was in pain. But it was the only way to actually be with Cas. _He just needed to imagine him being RIGHT THERE._

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was a mess since the event. The world turned upside down and nothing seemed to matter to him anymore. He just kept on living like a ghost wandering pointlessly in the veil, looking desperately for something to care for. But he didn’t care about anything anymore. Dean was drowning, and Sam noticed that. His brother was drowning in his own guilt, escaping to his own world where he could be with imaginary Cas, and Sam couldn’t do anything. He tried to tell Dean at first that _Cas was truly dead_ and imagining Cas was pointless and unhealthy, but Dean ignored him. It _was_ pointless.

‘Dean..’

The hunter flinched at the sudden voice and removed his hands from his eyes in an instant, looking around almost alarmed. It was his brother, standing worriedly beside him with his hand on his shoulder. The younger hunter got dark bags under his reddening and tired eyes. Sam was tired, too, but Dean was devastated. And it was Sammy’s turn to play the big brother now. Sam didn’t care about his own health and lack of sleep; he just wanted Dean to be okay. To be like _Dean_ again.

‘You okay?’

‘yeah, yeah.. I’m okay,’ Dean said tiredly and looked around the room, avoiding his brother's gaze. Cas wasn’t in the room. He was gone. _Was he gone- gone though?_ No, he wasn’t _that_ gone. He couldn’t be. He wouldn’t leave Dean on his own.

Dean felt sick in his stomach and his eyes began to burn.

_He was gone._

‘Dean, I bought you some pie.. if you want it, at least.’

Dean suddenly felt the loss of comfort when Sam removed his hand from Dean’s shoulder, and lifted a plastic bag from the ground, putting it on the table and taking an even smaller bag out of it before placing it in front of Dean. He couldn’t focus on it. Everything was so damn blurry and he didn’t even try to move his head to the side. Everything in his mind was too damn foggy, lately. There was a thick fog in his mind and in his body. A fog that made Dean unable to move or even think or even _care_ about anything.

‘Figured you were hungry.’

‘You were out?’

Sam furrowed his brows before looking at Dean with concerned eyes. _It’s not the same as when Castiel looked confusingly at Dean._ Dean’s throat bobbed as he swallowed the hot tears in his eyes away.

‘I- I went out for that one hunt we talked about. You know, the one with the vamps?’ there was a small silence where Dean silently scoffed and covered his face with his hands. ‘I interviewed the couple and might know where those vamps are.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were going out?’

‘Because it didn’t matter so much’

‘It _does_ matter, Sam! You should’ve told me, I could’ve helped you, I could’ve come along with you-’

‘You were asleep.’

Dean shut his mouth, and looked straight into his brother’s worried eyes. He was asleep? When was he asleep? He never really _slept_ these days. The four walls that were closing in suddenly moved away from Dean and the hunter was now able to breathe. But the sinister warmth, growing within his chest was still there.

‘I slept?’

Sam smiled faintly and moved around Dean, placing a hand on the armrest of his brothers chair before sitting down on the chair right next to Dean’s and started to fumble with the cloth of Deans armrest.

‘I didn’t want to disturb you, Dean. You looked so tired for so long, you needed to rest.’

‘Look who’s talking,’ Dean then scoffed and tried to push the sinister feeling away.

‘Tell me next time,’ He then said. ‘It’s not like one sleep is _magically_ going to cure everything away.’

Sam shook his head and again, removed his hand from the armrest and Dean even felt the loss of contact from _that_ and the walls began to slide closer to Dean, again. The hunter began to have unnoticeable struggle with breathing and staying focused, and desperately wanted the little piece of comfort back. _Focus, Dean._

‘Dean, we have enough things we need to deal with, and you getting insomnia or accidentally getting yourself killed ‘cause you were too sleepy, is not something that’s at the top of things I want, or even can deal with.’

‘I won’t get myself killed, Sam,’

‘Dean.. that’s not the point..’

Dean looked back, trying to avoid his little brothers gaze and felt himself getting warmer by the second. He didn’t want to talk; he just wanted to be _left alone._ So Dean shook his head, sighed with a very trembling voice and said: ‘Sam-’ but Sam was faster.

‘I’m worried, Dean. Do you- do you want to talk?’

‘Talk about what?’

‘About everything that happened?’

‘Sammy, I don’t.. I-’

‘About mom... about Cas?’

Dean couldn’t breathe. He lost his abilities to think straight and the room turned into a burning cage again, and the walls began to push against his skin. Again.

But Dean tried to keep a straight face, but avoided his brothers gaze like Hell.

‘I don’t know what you are talking about’ Dean just said, _barley,_ and made the fakest little smile in the history of smiling faces appear on his face.

‘You know what, Dean. You are shutting yourself down again! You don’t eat, you can’t sleep- I just want to help you.’

‘Sammy, please.. shut up,’ the hunter then whispered and covered his sweaty face with his hands, and his lip began to tremble ever so slightly. Oxygen felt like poison and his throat began to burn. He was on fire and he was in _pain_.

‘No, Dean..’ Sam then stood up, with a sudden _determination_ sparkling in his eyes and looked down at his broken brother.

‘I know, you need time to process this and to deal with _Casses death,_ but please, PLEASE, Let me help you! I can’t- I don’t want to see you like this. _We can’t go on like this_.’

Shut up shut up _shut up SHUT UP **SHUT UP!!!**_

‘Don’t you SAY he is DEAD’ Dean spoke with a loud, trembling voice and flew from his chair before the first, single tear dripped down Dean’s face. His heart began to slam against his chest and the room felt a bit too hot, it was _spinning_ around and it looked like hellish fire was hugging against Dean’s pale skin. Sam flinched, but he didn’t move. His own eyes began to burn and his heart made a leap of faith by his brother’s reaction. Sam suddenly felt hopeless.

‘He will come back- so help me God if he doesn’t.’

‘Cas is _dead,_ Dean.. I’m begging you, _please_ ,’

‘SHUT UP!’

Dean began to wobble on his place and Sam flinched again, and closed his own eyes before gritting his teeth. Dean wanted to leave this place, run as fast as he can, away from Sam. He had this strong urge to push his hands against his ears and pretend like everything was okay, but he didn’t. He broke down.

‘Just.. please.. Sam.’ Dean broke down. His stern expression faded away, and an immense pain crawled into his body. The room stopped with spinning and burning, and complete darkness came in its place. Dean felt nothing anymore. _He couldn’t feel anything._ He then realised the painful silence while the darkness crawled all around him, coming closer to Dean and trying to drag his broken soul out of his body, into Hell. _As if he wasn’t in Hell, already._

‘I.. I can’t lose him..’ another tear tripped down his face, and his eyes began to fill with sadness and grief. His senses to think got blocked and Dean felt himself shatter by the sentence that was suddenly set on repeat in his mind. _I cannot lose him._

‘I can’t lose him.’

‘Dean..’

‘I can’t.. Sammy, I can’t lose him.’

‘Dean, look at me,’

‘He can’t be dead,’

Dean stumbled back into his chair, crying at this point and didn’t even feel the strong arms that were thrown around him. The warm and strangely recognizable body he was pushed against, and the fluffy, yet so sweaty hair that began to tickle in his face. His brother’s comfort was good, but it was not enough. Nothing was enough to heal his shattered world. The walls of the Library disappeared into the darkness, and it began to push against the ceiling. Everything around the two brothers seemed to disappear into a never-ending darkness, something Dean couldn’t crawl out of. He was trapped in his body, trying desperately to bring light into the darkness with his version of the truth and tell himself _that everything is okay_ , but the light seemed to disappear in an instance, and Dean felt hopeless all over again. There was no escape.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sam then whispered and Dean clung against his brothers back, covered his face in Sam’s shoulder. He didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t want to see, he didn’t want to think, move or feel _anything_. He wanted everything to be over. _He wanted the pain to go away_.

 

* * *

 

 

It was not until the very next day when Sam noticed how critical and bad Dean’s situation was. Dean didn’t even remember going to bed, or even sleeping and _dreaming_ when he woke up, covered in sweat and tears and lying under his blankets when he woke up, almost confused. Like an Angel who woke up after their first good night’s sleep. He was close to forgetting his breakdown from yesterday, too, until he felt the nearly unnoticeable damp of water on the mattress, right there next to his cheek. Dean mostly tried to ignore it, when he stood up and made his way out of the bedroom, stumbling tiredly down the stairs and into the map room, where he found Sam, already packed a bag in front of him and a cup of coffee in his hand. Sam didn’t notice Dean until the older hunter started to approach his little brother, and almost looked shocked when he saw the hunter. Dean then noticed how pale his little brother looked. The younger brother’s eyes screamed desperately for some sleep, but his body language said something else entirely.

‘Dean?’ Sam then said, and placed the cup of coffee back on the table before looking Dean up and down. There was a small silence, where Dean blankly stared at his brother, still with his pyjamas on. _Wait, that was no pyjama.._ Dean then looked down at himself and narrowed his eyes. _He didn’t change last night._

‘How.. how do you feel?’

‘Good,’ Dean lied and nonchalantly combed his hair messily with his hand. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

‘Uh- no reason at all.’

Sam was confused, but he didn’t ask any further. Because he was scared for Dean, having another breakdown. So the younger brother mostly kept his eyes on Dean instead of asking any more questions, and Dean looked far too happy about Sam’s mental decision.

‘So, are we going to slay those vampires from yesterday or what?’

‘I’m- I’m not really sure about that, now. I mean, you just woke up and we have still a lot of-’

‘Come on, Sammy,’ Dean then said, casually and took the bag with loaded guns from the ground, throwing it over his shoulder. ‘How many more people will get killed or turned while we “wait”, you think?’

‘Yeah, Dean, I know.. but..’

‘Come on, Sam..’

Sam looked back up at Dean, and felt almost terrified when he saw a small glimpse of yesterday’s broken gaze in Dean’s eyes and everything Sam could think of was: _“oh god please don’t, not again…”_

‘Okay,’ Sam said almost immediately. ‘Okay.. If you feel up to it, okay.’

 

But how could he knew? How could Sammy knew of the things that would happen? Everything the younger hunter wanted, was a distraction for his brother. Was something to _kill_ and honestly, he doubted his own decisions when he saw Dean, being and acting almost normal in the morning. Because something was clearly wrong, and Sam tried to not to think about it when he agreed with Dean. _Because he wanted to kill those vamps so much,_ And Sam. Only. Wanted. A distraction. For Dean.

Not getting himself killed.

That certainly not.

Because they were standing in front of this vampire nest, in the middle of the woods when Sam tried to make a plan with Dean. But Dean didn’t seem to be listening. He was in his own little world again, and God knows what he saw or heard in his world when he suddenly stood up from their cover, and walked right into the nest. Sam tried to get to him, but froze in his place when he saw Dean, taking his machete in his hand and cutting open his own wrists. Too deep for Sam’s comfort. He could see the pain in Dean’s eyes and the machete cutting even deeper when the blood dripped with a raging fast speed down Dean’s arm. The blood didn’t stop. And everything went in slow motion when the first couple of vampires got the unbelievable strong senses of blood and were already running towards the hunter, towards their meal. It was a party and Dean was offering himself up. Sam didn’t remember the things that happened after that. He only remembers Deans piece of darkness, visiting his brothers’ vision when Sam saw the big, dark clouds raging around the both of them. Everything before Sam’s eyes was filled with darkness, and his heart was aching like hell and slamming against Sam’s chest, _destroying his chest._ Everything in his mind was foggy in an instant and he lost the senses to hear when the younger brother flew from his cover, screamed for Dean while beheading every vampire one by one. Every vampire that was a threat, every damn vampire that came too close to Dean.. and that last one vampire that got Dean pinned against the surface. He became a monster, a maniac covered in blood, but he didn’t care. Sam didn’t remember ripping off Dean’s own shirt to bind it around Deans bloody wrist. Sam didn’t remember panicking, swearing and screaming with rage to Dean’s, nearly unconscious body. Calling his brother _stupid, dumb_ and many phrases with _how dare you_ , _Damn you,_ and _Please stay with me_ were echoing in the dark night.

Dean lived. But Sam felt like he left a piece of himself by the vampire nest. _He brought him here. How could he bring Dean into this hunt?_

 

* * *

 

 

 _‘Idiot’_ Dean heard the echoing voice of a certain someone who stood along with Dean in the library. The library was cold, colder than usual and everything about it seemed very off. The bookcases were all weirdly formed, and the books within all had a weird colour. It didn’t look like the bunkers library, but the interior was still the same. Everything was darker, too. But It was not the cruel darkness Dean always saw within his mind; It was real. The darkness around him was actually real, even when it was daytime. Dean felt like a spirit, or a body he was not in control over when he turned around to face the voice, and saw a wounded Castiel, standing a few steps away from Dean who began to wobble on his place. _Castiel was here, again._

_‘How could you do that?’_

_‘You don’t know, Cas,’_ Dean then began with a silent, broken voice and tears started to fill Dean’s tired eyes. Cas had a slightly bloody face and his blue eyes watched Dean sternly, almost angrily or even _furious_ with his head slightly tilted to the side.

_‘I- I wanted to help Sam, give him a head start by leading those vampires away, out from their nest.’_

_‘And you do that by slitting open your wrists?’_

_‘I did not die.’_

_‘But it was your intention to die right there. You_ wanted _to die, didn’t you?’_

Dean’s jaw fell open, like he wanted to say something, but the hunter just shook his head ever so slightly, and closed his mouth with a tremble and looked away.

 _‘It was a sloppy, improvised attempt.’_ Cas was right, but Dean didn’t admit.

Cas walked closer to Dean now, and Dean looked back up again and stared into his deep blue eyes. _He couldn’t handle it._ He missed him so much. And Cas was not real, the Castiel in front of him was not real, _but he desperately wanted it to be real._

_‘Why, Dean? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to Sam?’_

_‘I can’t- Cas, I cannot go on like this,’_ Dean said with a small broken voice and tried to hold his eyes on Cas.

_‘Cas, I’m broken. Everything about me is broken. I can’t- I just can’t.’_

_‘Dean,’_ Cas interrupted him and walked even closer now and it felt too damn real, _TOO DAMN REAL_ and Dean could not keep it together and let yet another trembling sigh, his eyes filled with burning tears.

_‘I thought I did the right thing by sacrificing myself. You should’ve been happy, everything should’ve been good. Why did this happen?’_

_‘Do you honestly think your sacrifice helped everything?’_ Dean then breathed and took a small step back, still staring into Casses eyes. _Too Damn real._

 _‘I’m not- I’m not okay, Cas,’_ Dean said with a broken, matter of fact voice and shook his head, now looking away from Cas. Dean could feel the walls pushing against his body again and this time felt too real, too. Everything felt too real.

_‘too much Shit has happened and too many people has died. And your death on top of everything.. I’m not okay, Cas.’_

_‘Dean, I’m- I didn’t know..’_

Dean closed his eyes for a moment and tried to get his breathing under control. The darkness all around them filled the entire room and Cas was the only light that was there right now. _The only light in his dark mind._ With a lump in his throat and his body screaming for rest, the hunter opened his red, tired eyes and let one tear drip down his cheek.

‘ _I love you. And I can’t- I can’t help it._ ’

The walls kept pushing against Dean’s skin and he was in a great pain. He couldn’t breathe and another tear escaped his eye. _Say it out loud._

‘ _I felt guilty I didn’t say anything. Cas, I felt so DAMN guilty about **everything** and I couldn’t help it.’_

 _‘Dean..’_ Casses voice was so small all of a sudden, and the stern look in his eyes replaced itself with something softer. _With sadness._

_Say it out loud._

_‘I’m so sorry, Cas’_

‘Dean?’

_Say it **out loud**._

_‘I did not know, I DID NO KNOW what you meant to me until you were- you were dead.’_

_SAY IT OUT LOUD._

‘ _It’s my fault, all of this is because of me,_ **Please** come back’

‘Dean!!’

 

Dean’s eyes opened in an instant and his heart leaped into his throat by the sudden increase of volume. It took him a few moments to notice the soft surface he was lying on, and a familiar hand, _or a familiar pair of hands_ pushing Dean against his shoulders, and shaking him like crazy. It was Sam beside the bed Dean was lying in, and his face was paler than usual and his tired eyes looked very worried. Dean tried to get is breathing under control, and pushed his brothers’ hands away to be able to sit upright.

‘Jesus, Sammy..’ Dean then breathed and wiped away the sweat on his brows.

‘What the hell happened?’

‘Maybe I should ask you that,’ Sam scoffed with a very worried voice, and narrowed his eyes down when Dean looked confused.

‘Dean, you- you nearly got yourself killed, man..’

Memories from last night burst into Dean’s mind again, and the hunter felt the familiar darkness already knocking on his bedroom door. But he refused to let it inside, but the room still became darker by the second and the darkness pushed itself through the small gaps under the door, trying to reach for Dean. He sighed with a tremble in his voice, and leaned back before lifting his arm and staring at his bandaged wrist. The look of the bandage was enough to make Dean feel uncomfortable, disgust and so _wrong._ But he just kept staring at it, lifting his other hand to trace his fingers over the bandage, where the wound was supposed to be.

‘Dean…’

Dean snapped back to reality and looked up into his brother’s eyes, where unnoticeable little dry tears were shining in the corners of his brother’s red, tired eyes.

‘I’m not going to ask if you are okay because that is a stupid question…’ Sam said with a very soft voice, and bit his own lip before adding: ‘but how _do_ you feel?’

Sam was broken, and Dean saw it. And it was Dean’s fault. His own lip began to tremble at the attempt of answering the question but nothing came out of his mouth when he tried to look away from Sammy’s eyes, and began to stare at the drawer behind Sam.

‘I..’ Dean licked his lip nervously, and shook his head, and finally decided to answer with an honest to God answer. ‘I feel like shit.’

A little grin spread around Sam’s lip, before looking away and giving a small laugh at this messed up situation and Dean smiled faintly. The darkness withdrew a bit, and a small piece of light grew right there were Sam was sitting. _That little laugh pushed the darkness away._

‘Figured.’

‘Yeah…’

The smiling stopped and Dean looked back up at Sam, his smile disappearing faintly when Sam turned away, now with a straight face.

‘I’m so sorry, Sam.’ He then said with a voice that was nearly a whisper. Barely hearable, but Sam still understood and stared at his brother with tears filling his eyes but help him God if he let those tears drop now. He didn’t and he wouldn’t.

‘I’m- I’m fucked up, Sammy. Cas is..’ Dean closed his eyes and inhaled nervously, before continuing. ‘Cas is dead and I’m tired. All of this: it’s- it’s one big mess and I let everyone down. It was my fault.. all of it.’

‘You didn’t,’ Sam then whispered, what made Dean open his eyes again and stared down at his wounded wrist.

‘It was not your fault, Dean. None of us knew what would happen that night.’

Dean stayed quiet, and didn’t answer. Because he felt like letting another tear drop if he opened his mouth, so he kept it closed. Sam noticed this though, and continued with a trembling voice.

‘Dean.. look, you are not alone in this.’ The younger hunter lifted his hand, grabbing Dean’s wounded wrist gently and began to trace with his finger over the bandage, and the darkness around Dean began to fade away ever so slowly while the little light in front of him became even stronger.

‘I’m here, too. And even if I don’t know how all of this feels for you, I have a small idea of how it could feel.’ Sam’s voice was trembling noticeable at this point. ‘Look.. we are going to figure this out. We are going to get through this, too. Together. Like we always did before, right? But you can’t do this alone. I won’t let you go through this alone.’

‘Sam.. I’m just- I’m-’

‘Just talk to me, Dean.’ Dean looked up to his brother, who had a stern but broken look on his face, with sadness dwelling in his eyes.

‘Just… please. Let me in.. talk to me. Let me _help_ you, Dean.’

Dean couldn’t take it. It was not only the broken and desperate voice of his little brother that made his ear feel like bleeding and the tears in his eyes getting hotter, it was the realisation that not only him, but his little brother was in pain, too. Dean felt hopeless, desperate and cold, but he opened his mouth, let a tear finally drop and said: ‘I.. I loved h-him. Now he’s dead..’

Sam didn’t let go of is brothers wrist. Instead, he shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around the broken hunter.

And just like that, the darkness vanished completely behind the door and the light that was coming out of Sam, became brighter in front of Deans eyes, making him realise that he had not one, but two lights in his world. The one was Castiel, and the other was Sam. And Sam made the darkness go away.

But of course, it didn’t vanish completely. It just got locked up behind the locked door, but it was still _there._

The darkness never vanished completely.

 

* * *

 


End file.
